Vladimir Putin has announced plans to send 3,650 of Russia’s worst pedophiles into space where they will be left to orbit the earth for the rest of eternity.
They will be sent using Russia’s cheapest rockets, blasted out of Earth’s atmosphere and left to float out in space until they have served their life without parole sentences.
Describing the shuttles as “out of date and otherwise useless“, Putin declared they are “perfect prisons” for the pedophiles, all of whom are serial, repeat offenders deemed unfit for release into society.
Russian critics have questioned whether President Putin was inspired by Russian folktales in coming up with his novel solution to solving the creeping pedophilia epidemic sweeping the globe.
According to traditional Russian folk wisdom, when a person dies outside of the Earth, they do not reincarnate, go to heaven or hell, and they do not get to haunt others. Instead they are condemned to an eternity in the blackness of space. Floating, fully conscious, in eternal torment.
Though how long the space shuttles will last in space is anyone’s guess. Many of the outdated vessels date back to the communist-era USSR space program.
Cosmonaut Oleg Novitskiy, who spent 143 days in space as part of Expedition 33/34 to the international space station, told Russian state television that he doesn’t expect the space shuttles to make it out of the Earth’s atmosphere.
“I expect they will burn up into fiery balls of death at take-off,” Mr. Novitskiy said, while speculating “maybe this is what the President quietly wishes us all to see.“
“Thousands of pedophiles being burned to a crisp inside rusty Soviet-era rockets. Then again, maybe they will make it to outer space.“
“We will just have to wait and see. I think we can all agree that it is all very exciting.“